Well, here it goes...
I can't sleep because it's mostly just totally uncomfortable at this point and reading is almost impossible because I can't focus long enough to finish a paragraph, and watching t.v. is out as our tube has busted, once again.
So, I was looking at how long it's been since I've blogged and decided to write about what's currently on my brain.
Five More Weeks.
In a little more than five weeks, plus or minus the whole thing, we will be embarking upon another journey of birth. My mind is having trouble getting past that part. The birth part.
See, last time wasn't that long ago and it got really scary and hurt really bad and I remember it. I remember it all. Every detail.
We hired a doula for this time around though because I was almost hyper-ventilating thinking about the end of the pregnancy meaning the baby had to somehow come out!
C-section was no good for me either... so I figured it out: I'll be pregnant the whole time then someone else birth it! That would be perfect. Although, these days are leaving me less enthusiastic about the pregnancy part too.
I'm really sorry if you're a mom-to-be reading this thinking, "Sheese. She's pretty negative." Or a mom who loves being pregnant and giving birth. I'm not that woman. I love being pregnant but sometimes get grossed out thinking about a human being living inside my uterus and that this child is in the same ute that my other two children lived in. I don't know. Seems weird. Just being honest here.
Don't get me wrong, I love my children, I love my babies, these are just my pregnancy hormonal jaded feelings spewing out for the world to read and some day hold against me. Oh well.
I'm trying to make the best of this one, last time around...pretend I'm excited about pushing a 7# human out my *%^&$! while my husband watches in horror at what is happening...really I am.
Tuesday our doula will be coming over to discuss labor. That's it! For two hours we'll learn from her 15+ years of helping women and their partners have beautiful positive experiences. I told her she's got a lot of work to do before I'll be able to call this positive.
My goal: Be able to talk about the birth of my youngest child without crying within the first two weeks post-par tum.
We'll see if it happens. I sure hope so. Otherwise that blog entry will be something of a downer!
4 comments:
You are hilarious, Jodi!! I get really grossed out about the whole thing too. I mean, it is really friggen weird. I definitely want kids, I just don't know how I feel about the whole "creature living inside of you" thing, and I certainly don't like the whole "it's going to come out of your no-no-spot" thing. *shudder*
So yeah, I totally understand where you are coming from, mama. But I'll be praying for you to have some peace in the next few weeks/months. I hope this birth is absolutely beautiful and you can look back on it without cringing. haha.
Jodi,
I will be praying for you as you meet with your doula. I am excited that you have a chance very soon to see how beautiful birth can be!
Really. It can be. Birth has been a beautiful experience six times for me, and I am not a super-woman. It's something that I believe *all* women can experience with the right education & support.
I'm praying that you'll be able to let go of the fear & scary feelings from last time!
I love you!!
Amy :)
PS--Just got to watch a friend's Cesarean on Saturday. I was so blessed to be invited to the little one's birth-day. But I can see that it's not the "easy" way out, with the recovery afterwards... which you know all about already. I'll be praying for you... :)
Oh lovely Jodi... your authentic heartfelt thoughts brought a smile to my face.
I'm sure you're tired of hearing this but you're pregnancy has went by so fast (atleast for me *wink*)
Jodi. I know you are gonna be great during this process. You have been a great mother to my other two and I know you will overwhelm me with your strength and determination. you are more than I dreamed of in a wife and mother.
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