Holy Crap

So, my husband and I launched ourselves into this semi-mystical discernment process for the specific reason of figuring out "God's Will" for our lives regarding vocation.
I say semi-mystical because we will be learning a lot about ancient forms of Christian prayer and meditation as well as learning ancient orders of spiritual life, but how it will be revealed seems to be a little mysterious. I guess we're on a "need to know" basis. You know, if we need to know, we'll know. It's a retreat-style course set for 8 weeks, two times a month, in Saugatuk, MI. A very pretty harbor town. In this process we will learn about the Benedictine Way of Spirituality, the 12-step spirituality, the Anglican Spirituality, as well as Spiritual Direction in group format.
That all sounds pretty spiritual, doesn't it?
That's kind of why it was so exciting to me to attend.

So, I'm going to add the list of books I have to read, as the spouse of the person discerning, to the right here in a while but for now I shall list them in this post.
The Rule of Benedict: Insights for the ages, by Joan D. Chittister
Engaging Benedict: What the Rule can Teach us today, by Laura Swan
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, by Alcoholics Anonymous
What is Anglican Spitituality, Holmes
Living in God's Embrace, by Michael Fonseca
Inner Compass: An invitation to Ignatian Spirituality, by Margaret Sif

Through these books, the discussions, the papers, the Spiritual Direction, and forms of prayer & meditation we (my husband and I) shall learn how to discern this call we have for him to become a priest in the Episcopal Church. Or at least that is our hope.

Discernment has never been my strong point. I have usually bowed to the more strong-willed person in my life when a "decision" needs to be made, naming that "discernment." I'm learning, however, that I was operating this way of life not through my discerning heart, but rather my broken spirit.
I think that's why this way of 'doing church', through the Episcopal tradition, is so appealing. They have a high place for women. I'm taught that I have an important voice, although my negative core belief is that I don't have a voice. Often my dreams are of my not being able to scream when I'm in danger.
I'm taught that my husband's call is my call, although my negative core belief says that God can't use me because I'm too messed up inside.
I'm taught that God desires my "spiritual space" to be still, calm, and peaceful...something I learned this weekend I am currently not in.
So, I have a lot of discipline I have to rapidly incorporate into my messy life so I can help my family discern if the priesthood is for us or not. My suspect is that it is. But, we shall see.